3.Life After

 Life After

Lets try something new.

Basically the pass 2 months have been so hectic I refrained from even trying to put it into words, yet here I am finding myself about to talk about something I didn't even think I'd be ready to talk about.

Life after a breakup. Not your typical break up either, but what exactly is a "typical break-up". Now I know some people go through way worse then simply being broken up with, but can we talk about the after effects of it. So last year around Oct. the universe decided to bring a female into my life via my job and then again on a dating site and we were inseparable since. Now me I have ALOT of trauma from pass relationships. 

Stupid Men

Stupid Females

Trauma Bonds

and some serious...attatchment issues with people my senior. Yah know? So im definitely not coming into this 100% ready to be all giving and healthy. Yet..why tf not? So I took a chance. We were broken up by Valentine's Day (for the first time) and I chased that woman down! From calling her from my moms phone to telling her to unblock me on Pinterest. 

If there is a will there's a way. 

Either way, after about 3 weeks of begging she finally gave in and took me back and in typical lesbian fashion we moved in together. 

-.- please don't fight me. I was in love. 

Everything was good, but I had the suspicion that this girl was like no other and I was right. She was a complete perfectionist. Now don't get me wrong there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting an ideal relationship the problem comes in when you're dealing with someone that isn't fully healed. 

Me. Fresh out a marriage (by a year) and I had just ended a relationship with a male whom I broke it off with because I felt like I wasn't compatible with the male specimen anymore. In other words took a risk. I had work to do on myself but sometimes you have to have someone to help you heal things. 

And she wasn't perfect herself, she had her own relationship thing to deal with. But in my eyes..she was perfect, and literally could do no wrongs. I loved the fact that someone wanted to be IN MY SKIN. 

I wasn't use to it, but hey...im trying new things. After getting use to being under the same roof with each other, securing a job for the both of us, and learning the ends and outs of each others day to day..things seemed..perfect. But oh how demons can come and shake some shit up. And my demons did, to the fact I couldn't shake my trauma bond, I still was legally married and going through a divorce and the sole fact that I wanted kids. The relationship seemed like it wouldn't last. 

Trouble really struck once my line of worked required me to be out till damn near 4 am and drinking was becoming a regular thing. My attitude was changing and ironically I was healing through my trauma but definitely not in the way SHE wanted me too. 

From drunken outburst and arguments to being so blacked out to the point I sometimes saw my deceased sister and grieved over her. It was trying times, and not something I expected anyone to stay for. In my head though- Ive been through WAY worse..and I've stayed through way worse, but I can't expect people to do the same things I did. 

I can't expect people to have the same heart. One night I lost it, I put my hands on my best friend, I triggered another one and reminded them of childhood trauma, and essentially I spazzed on her at the time so bad I told her to pack her shit and go. To this day..I still remember nothing. And no amount of apologizing will make up for me being blacked out that night. Yet, I woke up the next morning with everyone livid and still understanding. Her on the other hand..not trying to hear it. What was the crazy part was the fact that we had a baecation scheduled for that day, a 3 day weekend out of town and I planned on spoiling the shit out of her. 

I had everything planned to the T, to her favorite restaurants to site seeing all over the city. Understandably she didn't want to go due to the actions of me the previous night. I knew what I looked like. I knew it looked like was just trying to brush things under the rug and make it seem like everything I had said and did was minor and not that big of a deal. 

"This trip won't save us" 

I wasn't trying to utilize the trip as that, but hey..maybe we do need a cool down. Yet, in that moment I knew was going to lose her either way. And left me she did. Now im not saying I had absolutely nothing to do with my breakup, at the very end the last straw would have been me. But I can help but think of all the begging and pleading I did asking to be saved in the mist of it all.

Trying to get her to understand that I was not perfect but I was trying to be for her. I wanted to marry this girl..and seriously it was the first time Ihad thought about it towards anyone since my first one, and I do NOT take that lightly. I saw a family with her, everyone before her had felt like a trial and error and I had healed just enough for her. But I couldn't handle the fact that she wanted it ALL healed and perfect when she wanted it. I tried to forget people and she constantly brought them up. 

I tried to heal and she constantly brought back the pain. There were people who lied on me and instead of believing me, when I genuinely was telling the truth, she opted not too..

All in all I felt like I never really stood a chance. How can you with a narcissist? How can you tell someone who only things their way is right is wrong, and no I am not blaming her for the entirety of the relationship ending, but damn was she not the reasons. Both times she left me..I didn't want her to go. And here I am 4 months later, just now dealing with the hurt she left me with, cause I SUCK at healing and it didn't start hitting till now.

So there's the question..What do you do with the life after getting your heart shattered? And even though im in a really healthy relationship now..does it make me a bad person for still feeling the hurt of my past one? 

I don't know..maybe it just the way life goes. And maybe you're suppose to take everything from relationships whether good or bad and learn from them regardless.

Don't take my word for it though..

Ch@ot!c Blizz